I used to live in an apartment when I was a child with my family. My mother was the neighborhood friend. If someone needed to talk, or someone needed to be saved, my mother was their hero. One night the neighbors were fighting and of course my mother went over to try to help them out. To stop the drunk fighting they were doing my mother walked over the drunken husband to our apartment to sleep it off on the couch and in the morning he could return to his place where he could talk to his wife sober and fix their problems. (That is what I was told)
This is what I remember: Snuggled in my blanked sleeping… when I start to feel weight on my legs then my chest. I can remember I was slowly waking up to find a man on top of me rubbing his hand up and down my girl parts. My pajama pants were at my ankles and I still had on my underwear. I tried to push him off and when that didn’t work I started to cry. I continued to try to push him off but it wasn’t working. He continued to push himself on me and when I kept fighting him he pined down my arms and I felt helpless. I couldn’t fight back and out of frustration I screamed so loud I woke up my sister and my brother and then they started to yell. I remember my sister and my brother hitting him in the back and he got mad and left. I put my pajama pants back on and we all went to the living room where watched him leave.
My sister called my mom and told her what had happened. I was more confused than anything. When my mom arrived she hugged me and she started crying. I was so young I didn’t understand what was going on. The rest of that night was a blur. The next week was a blur as well. But what I do remember was hearing my mom yell out the front door I’m calling the cops. I can’t say to whom she was yelling at or what was going on. I was playing Barbie’s with my sister on the floor. Days and weeks past and I didn’t see him. The next thing I remember was we were having a party and my sister and I were outside right by the front door playing when I saw the man who had woken me up that one crazy night. I didn’t flinch I didn’t even speak I was frozen. My sister on the other hand raced in the house and got my dad. I remember my dad yelling at that man who had hurt me and me hiding behind my dad’s leg.
A few days later I remember sitting on my dad’s lap at the police station watching my sister and brother playing on the floor. Then my dad and I were called into an office where I was to talk to someone about what had happened. They asked me questions but it was like if I couldn’t hear them. I could only see their lips moving. My dad kept asking me something but I blocked them out. The next thing I knew they made my dad go away and a girl cop asked me questions again. My mouth would move but nothing came out. I was speechless. I couldn’t say a word. After a while when they couldn’t get anything out of me I was told to go back with my dad.
As a child I never knew the consequences or the repercussions. It wasn’t until years later when I was about 15 maybe 16 when the nightmares started. Waking up in cold sweats! It wasn’t until then when I realize that I could have put that bastard behind bars. How many other children had he done something to? Did he get worse? Why didn’t I speak? All these questions in my mind I couldn’t answer made me so upset. Almost 20 years later I took a drive back to those apartments and all the memories hit me like a rock. I was a child then. I didn’t know any better. These were the thoughts I used to validate the questions I had and to help me cope with my feelings. But still till this day I don’t think it will ever be enough. I could have saved another child.
Filed under: Say it anonymously | Tagged: brother, child, cops, drunk, father, fight, mother, scream, sister, struggle
You cannot blame yourself. You were a child, making decisions as a child, with a child’s experience and understanding. You cannot be held accountable for the choice you made at that time because you had no experience, no wisdom, no support from anyone who could make you feel safe enough to tell. You were traumatized then, and are still traumatized. Tell your story now and get some release from it. We can only hope that the horrible person who did this to you received everything and anything horrible that life could give him in punishment for what he did. We can only hope there were no more victims. We can only hope, and in a sense, take comfort in the uncertainty. Create a positive vision and make it yours.