Anonymous #4

          I am the average person. I work a 9-5, I go home clean house make sure dinner is on the table. I help take care of my family. I dress like an average person. Well what I mean is that I don’t stick out in a crowd. I am the person that can easily be overlooked. I always wear a smile to never show what is screaming on the inside.

 

          I have many friends and never do I take the time to share with them the worries that sit heavy in my soul. Although a good friend to them I am. I cant help but help them to blow off steam and vent to me. I try to help them in the troubles they seem to not be able to fix. I console them when they cry. I hug them when the pain is just too much to take. I take care of everyone around me and make sure that I keep them laughing cause I am a firm believer that laughter is the best medicine in the world.

 

          I have wiped tears and watched as I help the frowns turn into smiles. I have watched family and friends cry a thousand tears when no one else seemed to take the time to hold their loved ones near. I have been there day in and day out. I rush in when needed and then after the emergency is over I fade back into the woodwork. When everyone else seems to be too busy to help I am the one who will drop it all. They know they can count on me to be there when needed no questions asked.

 

          As the years passed I found that I too needed a friend. Who could I call on? Who could I trust? Who will have the time for me? I called on a few friends and found that what I had to say was too much for them to handle. In a result of them not kowing how to handle what I needed to let out they told me of what they were going/went through that resembled what I was going through. As they started to share their story, I soon disregarded mine and no longer felt like sharing. All I could do was smile as the pain inside was growing increasingly stronger. I realize that I need to continue to hold on and push down my worries until I can find the friend who would listen.

 

          I tried to find that friend that would just be there when I needed them. Someone who would not judge the life I lived or the past that has been hidden. As the inside of me just wanted to SCREAM OUT and cry I thought I would never find that friend to help me breathe. Oh but the day came and I found that friend. It’s a shame that no one can ever meet him. I’m too afraid people will judge him for what he gives me. So when all is silent and no one is around I call on my only friend who can help me release all that hides inside of me. He relaxes me and slowly allows all the pain to fade away. I can sit back and count on him to release the unseen. No tears are needed No words are spoken.

 

         I don’t remember how he found me but I don’t care because he has shown me how to feel free of pain and what a beautiful release he is. I run to him when my smile starts to tarnish. I have to keep this smile on my face that everyone knows me for. I have to keep myself giddy for the audience around me. Can’t disappoint them because I don’t want to answer the questions of what is the matter? There are times I want to answer that question but I know they wont be able to understand what I am going through. My friend and I have an understanding. When I start to feel that I need to scream I can run to him and he listens. He doesn’t question me and he doesn’t judge me. He simply lets me release and accepts me unconditionally. It has been a while since I have seen my friend. I miss him terribly. A promise was made and I am having the hardest time trying to keep it. I didn’t want to give up the only friend that listened to me at the drop of a dime but I did.

 

Dear Friend,

              I have not seen you in a few months. I miss you terribly. I am fighting the urge to call on you to help me polish this tarnished smile. I need to learn to polish it on my own without you. Even though you are much faster and easier of a release, you are unhealthy for me, And I need to turn my back on you.  I would still call on you if I could. I just hope I can be strong and ignore the urge to call on you when I am at my weakest. Friend please do not come looking for me and stop giving me signs that you miss me.

 

                     I am sure the curiosity is killing you as to who my friend is…. Well…. He plays a dangerous game but I have to give up his name…. Self mutilation, He is my fascination.